Thoughts of a Blue Jay

My last post…Literally

dave5992005 — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 04:05:22 +0000

I just want everyone to know that this is the end of my postings…

I send this one out to my one true love, Susan and I am sad to say

She too has told me

in so many ways the I need to go…

So It is all over for me…

I love her with all my heart.

My love is not what she seems to want

Don’t be mad, Don’t be Sad…

just be like me and do it

all for the right reasons in life

so that you can have everlasting life

Like my two sons told me yesterday

I brought this upon myself

So with this last thought,

I bid a fond farewell to all that took the little bit

of their precious time to be a part of mine

I hope that you look back and say..

He did it out of his love for mankind

Good bye to anyone that has taken

the time to read all about who I was …

16“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,^[a] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

And in My last breath…GOD BLESS…Dave

To care or not to care

dave5992005 — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:17:46 +0000

Well here I am all alone sitting here trying to figure it all out. I have quite a few questions that I need answers to.

Why is it that as long as I had something that someone needed,they were my friends?

Is it that they all figure that I am an easy person to”pull one over on”?

Did I do something wrong in the past that would warrant

all this negative treatment?

Or was it something that I did in one of my past lives?

Have I done anything to any of the people I have encountered

in the past 5 years that would cause them to shun me?

Should I be alone in this world, to suffer in silence?

I have often thought about taking a vow of silence, Is this the time?

Is there something that I could have done to have prevented this from happening?

One of the people that I used to have good conversations with, even told me that I should go and visit with one of the priests at the monastery.

So now that I am sitting here writing this all down, I find answers are very hard to come up with. I will take the time to reflect upon all the things that have gone on in the past 5 years. Then at least my sons will know what happened to me.

   I guess a good place to start is the point in time when this all began…
At the point in time when I started to feel different, I was married, with two sons 10 and 12. I had a bit of trouble making my life work out for me and the ones that I loved. I was at a turning point where I was not happy being myself. I did a few things that went against the grain. I did something that I wasn’t proud of.I was afraid to watch my father die…I turned my back on all the people that ever meant anything to me. I left my family and ran as far away as I could,down to the Fraser Valley. I was hoping to find out who I was, I tried to recover a part of me that I lost after I had the fight where I was hospitalized.
             That was the turning point. I have rediscovered many memories and reconnected with a time and place that I once loved. Much to my surprise, all the people that I used to know have moved on,or are not interested. It is hard to go back when there is nothing to go back to.
         I left my family in a position, where all they wanted was for me to Fade OUT. My sons, don’t know how much I miss them. They are going to be 15 and 17 this year.My how time flys by when you are alone…
When I moved down to the Fraser Valley with Susan, I thought that I found someone that truly understood who I was, and what I was all about. Oh my how that turned. We started out very positive. We both found work, and I went back to school. I took a few courses that were to aid me in my quest to be able to put more money in my bank account, that would in turn put more into the hands of my sons. I thought that by doing it that they would be proud of what I had done. As it turned out, my youngest son Tyler totally denounced me. He always had a very negative view of every success that I had. Kyle would tell me the truth, he once said that he still loved me. I still think that their mother Susy has done a fantastic job raising them.I will always love her for that. And yes I know that they need a real father that will teach them things about the real world. IT IS A HARSH PLACE FULL OF VERY CRUEL AND SELFISH PEOPLE. I still miss them every day, and feel very ashamed of myself for not doing all that I could to keep in contact. I hate to call and do everything in my power to avoid the call. I guess shame will do that to a person.
            One of the things that I am afraid of is dying without them knowing that I love all three of them. But as they say ”You can never go home” I found that out in more ways than one. In the Valley the weather is nice and warm, but the people are very cold…It is time like this that I miss the warmth of family.
So With all the education that I have, I still find that a BSW, doesn’t mean a thing… the jobs that require you to have a degree, pay less than a construction labourer…GO FIGURE…
              I have had many jobs here in the valley. I have worked in the MSA Hospital as a cleaner for a company called Sodexho. Look them up some day, you will find that all they are after is money. They are in the money business not a caring one. I have worked in a restaurant, I enjoyed the work, but the low pay only meant that I was bound to fall further behind in my child/spousal support.
             I was not proud of that, but I was happy. What I would like to know, is why no one was proud of me. I stayed at that job for 1 year. It was the year that I had to claim Bankruptcy, becaue of failing to provide for my family.Then when they refused a raise, I left. Off on another job search for one that paid a more reasonable wage.
Abby Therapeutic was a good place to work, I enjoyed working with the residents there. many of them were suffering from a brain injury. I found this both enlightening, and educational. I found that I had a certain ability to understand how they communicated. I guess all the communication skills that I gained in the school of life paid off. I have exelled in non-verbal communication. The company was going through some tough times, and were looking at restructuring. I was on the lower end of the totem pole, and was being pushed into the ground.
           So doing all that I could to maintain the lifestye that I enjoyed, I applied for a job with Fraser Health…. I suceeded in obtaining a position at Maple Ridge Treatment Center. Again It was a good job. I was working with people that were suffering from an addiction. I was the night support worker. Me and 60 addicts locked up in a building all night. some one had to do it. I am thankful that it was me, It was a good feeling, a feeling of being needed.
             I continued to apply for other positions with Fraser Health. I was sucessful. I got a job working for Valley Home Support. Now I had lots of work, and enough money to live well. Then it happened. I had a heart attack. The doctors told me to slow down. I had to choose money or life. I chose life.
I had to resign from MRTC, that was the best choice for me. I increased my availability with home support and then obtained a full time position doing what I loved. Helping people that were at a down point in their life. I thoroughly fell into my work. More work more money, (don’t let anyone tell you that money doesn’t matter, you need it to survive in the world)that all meant that I was paying more support, making up for what I failed to do in the previous years. I still don’t think that the money made any difference though. I still felt that I was doing it all for the wrong reason.
I met many people that would share their stories of their lives with me. I gained much more insight. The other thing that I found was a profound love for family, something that I did not have.I was just the guy that put money into the bank.

After many months, I discovered that I was a good person. I was a spiritual man with so much to share. I love to be around people that had faith in God. Some of the people that I worked with were very spiritual. I worked with men of many different faiths and beliefs. They all had the same message to share with me…They would tell me that I needed to have faith.
I started to work with a man that was suffering from ALS. He was a good man, yes he had his faults, but show me someone that doesn’t. I found it almost intoxicating to sit and talk about faith and a love of Jesus, that I have never experienced before.

It was at this time that I wanted more. The people at Valley Home Support, showed me their true colors. They did not want people that cared, they wanted people that just did a task and went home. After a sailing trip, where his family asked if I would help grant him his last wish, the home support office called me in to fire me for breaking one of their policies. I resigned my position(At least I cared) I was offered a job working for him full time for him.
It was a very hard decision for me to make, it meant that I would not be there for Susan,when she was also needing me. That is the point that I feel that I let her down. Her parents both died in a short period of time. That caused a lot of strain on our relationship. I stayed with him for 18 out of 24 hours most days of the week. This meant that I was not there for her. This gave him a certain quality of life that kept him going till all of his tasks on this earthly plain were fulfilled. But what I lost was the friendship that I had with Susan. I am so sorry for not being there for her. I let down. I traded her anger and sorrow for an escape, maintaining the life of a dying man. I was very close to him, we spent many hours discussing evverything under the sun.
When he died, I was lost, I lost his friendship, and I knew that I was losing the friendship of Susan.This was something that I never had before in my life. I was not there for her, for that I am disappointed in myself. I don’t know If I will ever gain that back. Someday I will see her again, but it will never be the same. Love makes us do some pretty stupid things,doesn’t it.
After Stephen died, I was lost. there was no one except Susan around, I know that she was dealing with her own situation, I started to work for Kelrek. Good job in construction. building and tearing down. almost mindless. not using any of my Skills. just brute force,and energy.

When Susan went to the doctor, and was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wanted to do everything that I could to keep her well. I did all that I could, knowing fair well that she did not want me around.”LOVE MAKES US DO FUNNY THINGS”. Well she too has pushed me away. With Susan going to Kamloops, to live with her daughter and family, in a warm and loving environment, I find myself alone again.
Hmmm and all those people that said they were friends, much to my surprise, are nowhere to be found. When I have expended all my energy and resources to help people, I find myself having to do it on my own…funny…how it all ends the same as it started; me by myself; This is the part where I think that it is a CRUEL and HARSH World

“You are born naked and alone, you die alone”
when you all read this, think to yourself and remember; I did it all for love.

GOD BLESS, LOVE ALL, WORK HARD,

LIVE FREE, BE HAPPY
David Alan Bain

What do you say, when you feel like this?

dave5992005 — Tue, 27 May 2008 22:43:34 +0000

So what do you say at a time like this? Well after a long walk across the bridge to Abbotsford, here is all I can say.I took a moment to stop and look down over the side of the Mission bridge, and looked down into the swirling pools of muddy water, only to realize that was not the answer to my question. I continued on to Abbotsford and went to the Monkey puzzle tree in Jubilee Park. It was there that I put it all together for myself.

What is the best solution? The best solution for Susan, is to be somewhere that she can be stable and loved…And yes, I fully understand the implications. She will not be able to beat this dreaded disease, always worrying if we will have enough money to make the next expenses. With the human factor added to it, it just is impossible to do. I can’t let that happen to the woman that I love.

Well, what about me? I will have to stay, and fight for all that I have left. Then when the time is right, I will venture up to Kamloops. If I stay here in the valley, I hope that I be able to make some sense out of this. I don’t want to be just another statistic living under a tree in the park.

What does the future hold? I would like to be there for her, to love and care for her as I have always tried to do. I guess that the ball is now in her court. I have to be able to financially look after all my debts, bills, and child support, before she would even consider having me as the guy in her life. We always said that we would give it 5 years, she agreed to go along on this ride called life… Well that time has arrived, and she has stressed it to no end, that we just didn’t make it. The cost of living here in the Fraser Valley has risen to insurmountable levels. I am going to find some type of employment that will take me to that place in life that I can be happy and comfortable. I hope that It will be enough to be there with her.

Sometimes, love makes us say things to the people that we truly love… so that we end the needless suffering.

Sitting; Looking out; Looking in.

dave5992005 — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 03:03:31 +0000

Sitting; Looking out; Looking in.

Well as I sit here looking out, and reflecting on all the places that we have lived in, the one thing that compels me to go on, is my love for Susan. These experiences that I have witnessed, leave me feeling at peace enough to send my thoughts out into the world, to share with those few people that understand all that I have to offer. If at some point in time, I forget where I have come from, I hope that there will be someone out there that will remind me…Well, I think that I now fully accept, that I have made some poor choices in the last few months. I am going to close this chapter in my life…

Things just have not been going our way, here in the Fraser Valley. with Susan’s diagnosis (cancer; is an Ugly word).In a way I feel that I have failed to support her… All the stresses of bearing the cost burden involved, are putting us further into a n ever spiraling abyss. It is now at a point that I (Susan’s daughter said it better)…there comes a time when you just have to say NO MORE…

So… I think Susan said it first; She expressed to me that I changed, into a different person (When I was looking after Stephen),now I have to get back to where I was at in my life… It will take some time, but I am slowly making progress. I have taken the time to continue with my writing. Hopefully this will expand on my ability to analyze and process thoughts, to a point where I am myself again….

Continuing to pick a bit of life off the plate, is not enough any more

I feel, that in order for Susan to recover with grace from the ever dreaded disease…We have to live somewhere that we don’t have to worry about the… both financial and emotional cost of living in the Fraser Valley. I know very well that if she has a healthy and happy family around, it can only be good.

Remember…Seek knowledge; and hold on to it. Because it is the only thing that they can’t take away from you…

dave5992005

Sunset at White Rock

dave5992005 — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 07:42:54 +0000

White Rock Sunset

Distant thoughts on a cold and rainy night

dave5992005 — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 12:45:08 +0000

So what happens on a cold and rainy night? I sit up till the wee hours of the morning. I am filled with distant thoughts that leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling. I seem to be unable to let my mind shut down long enough to actually sleep. I still have this “Idea” in my head that there could be some salvation for my weary soul…I am hoping that the next two or three weeks turn out. All the unanswered questions, finally should come to a close, and end all the stress and discomfort, in the lives of two very gifted people that have been struggling for 5 years trying to carve out a meager existence in these times strife and turmoil. I find that all the events that have led us down the trail to this point, has all been for a reason.
So where do we go from here? Do settle for remaining here in this town, hoping for the magic moment to come along? Do we reach out across the landscapes of human kindness? Do we sit and wait…for maybe another fine sprinkling of that monetary reward that enables us to survive, for yet another 5 years? I would like to say that would work… With true faith, It will just happen, like the flashes of life that goes on around all that we have known.
Are we ready to accept that this is our fate, or soul purpose? I think that Susan would agree with me when I say that there is so much yet for us to discover in this land. Together it will be a much more comforting feeling, knowing that we travel down the same path.

Until the dawn of a new day, I will stay wondering how to put everything into play; Ensuring that our lives and knowledge will be kept in the warmest of places in the hearts and memories of everyone that takes the time to share their valuable time and resources,to be part of ours….Dave

An expression of “self”

dave5992005 — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 08:26:56 +0000

March 2, 2008

So today was the day for everyone to express themselves…
To see all the people that have rallied all their strength to come to the aide of a family that was in need of support…. This is an amazing experience to be part of. In these troublesome times when you just don’t know when to stop….
I, am left with an empty hollow spot deep down in my heart, almost touching the soul of my very existence… This past experience has left scars on my already bruised heart…
As with every test or challenge that has been presented to me in this last year, I will carry on as the faithful servant of my lord…

I had some very trying times, always hopeful that Stephen would
” Experience the Miracle” That he was hoping for…
Now you all wonder, where is that crazy man coming from…Let me tell you a story of the love of mankind that reaches far beyond the simple love that we all have come to know…It is not the basic love that one person shows or expresses to another..No the love that I speak of, is the love of a greater kind; the love of a Father for a son. John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that who so ever believeth in Him, shall not perish, but shall have everlasting life”.

As I sit here reading this back to myself, I am starting to understand more of these words. True eternal ,or everlasting life is all about how our experiences, thoughts, and moral values get transfered to our children… To all the people that we come into contact with every day of our life… These thoughts then become stories thoughts and moral values that they can pass on to their families and friends.

As with any event, that causes pain and suffering, true healing at a spiritual level can only start when you accept that Jesus is there for everyone, that He is willing to fill up the small hollow spot that is in everyone. I feel that I have been truly blessed to have that spot in my heart filled with the love of mankind. It will stay filled, with all the love that my heart can handle. When the time is right, I will take the bits and pieces of my heart, and carefully lay the thoughts of love into those that need.

All through the next days, weeks, months, and years, I will no doubt, speak to people that are willing to listen; the words that come from all the collected thought and experiences of just an ordinary man that has been blessed or cursed. But they are my thoughts, and it will be mine to choose to whom, where, and when…
Go with peace,
Remember… all you can share with people that are in need, will come back to you, with the reward of everlasting life…
Dave

The hardest question in my life…

dave5992005 — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 13:29:25 +0000

The hardest question in my life,

has got to be a question about Faith. I think that I now understand the most important thing about faith; It is to have faith in yourself… Do all that you can everyday of your life, to do no harm; walk tall and proud, always looking out on the world, to see into the future…Look out for the best interests of your family and friends. That alone will ensure you of peace…

The hard question in my life

dave5992005 — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 02:05:41 +0000

So what is it about St. Valentine’s Day?

dave5992005 — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 08:49:55 +0000

So what is it about St. Valentine’s Day;

Is it all the hype over chocolate sales, or who is going to have more customers in on one night a year…If you ask me, it is all bullshit. What really matters, is if at the end of the day, you can close your eyes, and say to yourself; “So if this is what it is all about, I never hurt anyone today, I am happy, I had fun,life is great.” Then you cuddle up to the one you love and whisper softly into her ear, and say “Sleep tight babes”. Knowing fair well that she is going to get up in the morning and make coffee for both of you…
….Loving you…Dave